XOXO, Santa - Spencer Spears Page 0,1

a humiliation kink.

Test: Find and watch as much humiliation BDSM porn as possible.

Observations: I cringed so badly I had to slam my laptop shut.

Conclusion: Yeah, no.

Hypothesis 2: I was into things that felt transgressive.

Test: Watch public sex porn, voyeurism porn, stepsibling porn, you name it.

Observations: Sweated bullets the whole time that I watched a couple fuck on the beach, just waiting for them to get caught. Same thing with the set up where a girl watched her best friend hook up with the prom king. So much dread in my stomach, I might as well have been watching a horror movie. And don’t even get me started on the stepsibling stuff. It didn’t matter that I knew the actors weren’t actually related—all I could think about was my own sister, Claire, and how incredibly gross the idea of sleeping with her was.

Conclusion: Jesus Fuck No.

Hypothesis 3: I was the straightest man alive, I loved women so much, I’d never met a woman I didn’t want to sleep with, no matter her body type, I just loved women. Women women women. And not men.

Test: Watch two porn videos simultaneously, straight porn on the left side of my laptop, gay porn on the right. See where my eyes drift to more.

Observations: It was probably just a fluke. The top in the gay video had a really big cock, like, almost unnaturally big. Anyone would have looked at that.

Conclusion: Confounding factors introduced uncertainty into the data set. More testing needed.

Test: Repeat procedure with different videos.

Observations: Okay, but that time the bottom’s dick was kind of small, wasn’t it? Which got me wondering how you even get into porn with a small dick, because you never see that in straight porn. Maybe it was just a gay thing, and some guys liked small dicks? But did you have to have like, a really nice ass to make up for it? Or really good technique? Did this bottom have a really nice ass and really good technique? Should I watch the video again just to be sure? These were all perfectly reasonable, purely scientific questions to have, but they weren’t helping me solve the original problem.

Conclusion: More testing needed, but this time the gay porn had to be guys who had absolutely average, unremarkable dicks.

Test: Oh, I know. We’ll do a rimming video for the gay one this time. There’s no way I can pay attention to their dicks if they’re not the focus of the video.

Observations: Well obviously my eyes were going to be drawn to the rimming video. I mean, I’d fucking dreamt about that with Matty, of course that was going to call my attention, if only to know if I’d been dreaming accurately.

Conclusion: Fuck, okay, fine, two rimming videos this time, one straight, one gay. For science.

Test: Here we go. This should prove conclusively that—

Observations: Look, is there anything wrong with finding the gay video more pleasant to watch because it doesn’t stress me out so much? Like, I look at the straight one and all I can think is how I don’t know what it feels like to have her body and what if I think I’m doing what she likes, but I don’t really know, and she’s secretly judging me, and is actually bored, and just wants me to leave so she can go back to bingeing Friends while she studies for her Spanish final? When it’s two dudes, it’s just easier to imagine myself in either of their positions, and it’s more relaxing because even if no one’s ever eaten my ass, I still feel like I have an inherent understanding of what it would feel like. This is a perfectly normal, totally straight reaction to be having.

Conclusion: I think we got side-tracked by rimming. That’s a niche avenue we don’t need to go down.

Test: Let’s just find two more videos of couples having sex, both in the missionary position, both using condoms—

Observations: Nope.

Conclusion: Obviously, that was a flawed premise.

Test: Okay, two couples, both in the missionary position, but no one’s using condoms because it’s my fucking experiment and I say no one has to use condoms in my fantasies and—

Observations: But is it safe for him to come on the other guy’s ass and then fuck it back into his hole? Like, I know porn actors are supposed to get tested regularly, but that still seems a little iffy. Maybe it’s just a trick of the light and it just looks like he’s fucking it back in?