XOXO, Santa - Spencer Spears Page 0,2

I should rewind and watch that clip again. And again. And again. Okay, fine, so he is actually fucking the cum into him. So either they’ve both been tested and it’s all good and I’m worrying about nothing, or maybe they’re actually in a relationship or something? Because there was this one moment in the video where the top looked into the bottom’s eyes and told him he was sexy, and they kissed, and it was really sweet. Like, you never see that in straight porn, it’s always so degrading to the woman, but this gay porn was actually kinda nice?

Conclusion: Surely not all gay porn is this tender?

Test: I should probably watch fifteen more gay videos just to get a more accurate representation of—

Observations: What the fuck is wrong with you? We’re straight, remember? STRAIGHT. What the hell are you doing?

Conclusion: Stop that this instant and go watch straight porn like the straight person you are. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Watch that one you like, with the MILF and her big tits and the gardener with the giant cock who fucks her and then her husband comes home and catches them and it turns out he’s got a big dick too and they double-penetrate her, and there’s that one part where their dicks touch and they—

Test: Their dicks touch.

Observations: Oh.

Conclusion: Fuck.

I closed my laptop and swore off all porn—straight and gay and everything in between—for the rest of my life until I figured this shit out.

That lasted all of twenty-two hours.

Then I convinced myself that I’d imagined all of my reactions from the day before. So I repeated the procedure. And came to exactly the same results.

There was an Einstein quote about the stupidity of that. My chem professor had it tacked to the wall in her office. But I wasn’t going to let that stop me.

I repeated the procedure every time I was alone in my room, the ratio of straight to gay porn sliding from 50/50 to 40/60 to 4/96 by the end of the semester, at which point I had to acknowledge the truth. I liked gay porn.

But that didn’t necessarily mean I liked guys, right?

Not that there was anything wrong with liking guys, or being bi or gay or whatever. My favorite aunts were gay and I loved them. I knew my parents would still support me, and my sister would probably send me some kind of rainbow glitter explosion care package if I ever came out to her. I even knew that my friends would be like, intellectually fine with it.

But it’s one thing to support gay people in theory and it’s another to know that the guy changing next to you after soccer practice, the guy you’ve been naked in front of a thousand times, the guy you’re making plans to live with next year, is actually gay and has actually been having sex dreams about you.

Not that I would ever tell Matty the sex dream part. God no. We’d definitely established that humiliation was not my kink.

I just didn’t want to make it awkward with everybody. If I were gay it would—I mean, it sounds so whiny to say it would mess up my whole life, because I get that coming out nowadays is easier than ever before, and that people used to go to jail for the things that I was consuming so casually online, and that they’d fought for the rights that I took for granted today.

So, no, in the grand scheme of things, being gay wouldn’t mess up my whole life, and I didn’t want to diminish the bravery of LGBT activists of yore. But in the small scheme of things? In the small scheme of things, I dreaded it.

I’d have to come out to everyone. It would be a whole thing. And everyone would be nice and assure me that it didn’t change anything, but I knew it would. At least with some people. At least for a while.

Was it so wrong to want to go through life without making waves? Without having to be someone people had opinions about? Without your mere existence forcing you to take a stand about something when you’d really rather stay seated, thanks all the same?

I was sure I’d read somewhere that you could have sexual fantasies about stuff you’d never want to do in real life. So wasn’t it possible that I could like watching gay porn without wanting to actually sleep with guys?

Unfortunately, if there was