ran end to end across the bookshelf and the stacks of papers and magazines lying about. For a moment she closed her eyes and saw him sitting behind the desk, his eyeglasses low on his nose and a ribbon of cigar smoke circling his head. She spoke to him just as she had the past few nights. With her face tilted toward the sky, she whispered, “Please Albert, help me to get through all of this.”
She crossed the room and lowered herself into his desk chair. Countless times she’d visited Albert in here, but she’d always been in front of the desk. Sitting there in his seat, the desk seemed somehow bigger than she remembered, more intimidating, the drawers deeper, the handles heavier, scaled to fit a larger hand. Albert’s, not hers. For several minutes, she remained frozen in place. Then she leaned forward, dropped her head onto the desk, and began to cry.
There was no way of knowing how long she remained there, but when she finally opened her eyes she saw a shiny brass object through a blur of tears. Raising her head, she lifted the paperweight. It had been a gift from his father, and Albert had kept it on his desk for as long as she could remember. The engraving on the top was worn and scratched, but still readable: “IF YOU NEVER TRY, YOU WILL NEVER SUCCEED.”
Margaret brushed back the tears and sat up. Was that message only for Albert, or was it meant for her also? He’d tackled his challenges head on and succeeded. Was he trying to tell her she could do the same?
Placing the brass paperweight in the center of the desk, Margaret took a deep breath and pulled open the bottom right-hand drawer.
The drawer was stuffed with file folders, and even though they appeared to be client files none of the folders were green. Checking the dates on the top pages of each folder, she saw they were old, outdated. After she had emptied out that drawer, she moved on to the top drawer.
Folded scraps of paper and telephone message notes lay scattered about the top, and underneath Margaret found a box of cigars, two broken lighters, and matchbooks from a dozen different restaurants. Most were places where they’d dined together, but in the past she’d seen Albert jot a name and telephone number on the inside cover. She read each matchbook, remembering times when they’d shared a bottle of wine at one place or dined in a cozy booth at another. With stopping to revisit the special significance of one thing and another, then twice giving way to a flood of tears, it was late in the afternoon before she finished clearing the first two drawers.
She had just wiped the tears from her eyes when Josie looked in the office.
“I’ll be leaving soon,” she said. “I made a beef stew and left it on the stove. Make sure you eat. It’s not healthy to be skipping meals. You’ll end up sick for sure.”
Margaret forced a smile. “I’m fine. Honestly.”
Josie eyed her suspiciously. “I don’t know. Your throat sounds scratchy, and you don’t look so good. Maybe I’d better stay to make sure—”
“Go home. You’ve got a family to take care of. I’ll be fine.”
“Well, if you’re sure…”
Josie started out, then hollered back, “Don’t forget to eat, and call me if you need anything.”
“I’ll be fine.
Once Josie was gone, Margaret sat there studying the paperweight. She’d seen Albert do the same thing any number of times, holding it in his hands, tracing a finger across the engraving, almost as though he expected the words to magically change into whatever answer he was looking for. She closed her eyes and pictured him sitting at the desk. The look on his face wasn’t confusion, it was determination. He wasn’t looking for an answer; he was renewing his commitment to this one.
IF YOU NEVER TRY, YOU WILL NEVER SUCCEED.
It was a mantra Albert had lived by. When the firm was still young and on shaky ground, he’d stayed with it, working 14 hours a day until he’d built it into a thriving law firm. All those years he’d remained purposeful and dedicated, always moving forward, never losing sight of his goal. But it hadn’t been that way for her. She’d followed along in his wake, accepting that his goals were hers.
She thought back on her earlier conversation with Jeffrey.
“Lost track of your family?” he’d said, making it sound like such a thing were ludicrous.