I had never experienced true, emotional pain until now. It’s like all the stars have gone out in the night sky, leaving only this dark, cold empty space—a never-ending black hole or the frozen depths of the deepest seas.
Love may transcend through time, but so do the scars that etch into your heart, leaving a permanent mark in its wake. The wounds may heal, but there will always be those tell-tell signs left behind to remind you of what once was.
That’s how I feel about Jake.
But—and there is always a but—Jake has left a scar so deep, it will transcend so far into time that I’ll be left a broken, old spinster living on her own with a mass of unkempt hair and twenty cats to take care of. I mean, how can one possibly move on to fizzy wine, when they’ve become used to drinking champagne?
Life was simple before all of this. It was hard at times but bearable. If I could turn back time and erase the memory of Jake’s touch, his smell, his caress, then I would. Everything about him haunts me. Everything about him makes the pain of losing him that much more unbearable.
Clutching at my stomach, I hunch over as the thought of his name hits me like a ravaged tiger. The betrayal I feel is enormous.
The pain I feel is enormous.
“Talk to me, Ana. Tell me what happened,” Jessie urges as she takes my hand and guides me into her hallway to shut the door. “Look at you. You’re soaked through. Hold on, let me get a towel.”
I walk towards her living room at the back of the apartment. I can barely speak, but I must get the words out. I have to tell her something. I wait, hugging myself, my teeth chattering with the cold. When Jessie’s back with the towel, she wraps it around me before sitting me down, awaiting my explanation.
“My… mother’s … back,” I stutter before sniffling. I use the towel to wipe the rain from my face before continuing. “I came home, and she was there with Jake, as if nothing had ever happened. Jake completely ignored me, Jessie. It was like I never existed.” The pain of knowing this rips through my body, making me clutch myself protectively again.
Her frown is deep before she responds. “I don’t understand. Jake loves you. I know he does.”
I practically roll my eyes at that. “Well, obviously not that much if he has welcomed my mum back with open arms even after all that she has done, and he acted like whatever was happening between us was nothing. Like I’m nothing.” I can’t stifle the sob that escapes my lips. I’ve never cried like this in front of Jessie, but my emotions are overwhelming me all at once.
She throws an arm around my shoulder, clutching me to her side. “That fucking asshole. Who does he think he is, upsetting you like this?” She glances off into space, deep in thought. “I just don’t understand it.”
When she places her other arm around me and gives me a big hug, I readily accept it. Another deep frown forms at her brow. She’s just as confused as I am. “I know ... tell me about it,” I reply, as she releases me from my hug and looks me in the eye.
“Tell me everything ... from the beginning.”
So I do. I tell her about my trip back home and how happy I was. About how, when I got home, I saw a car outside, not realizing it was my mum’s. I tell her about seeing her with Jake, that she asked me if I was happy to see her, and that they had some news to share. How I ignored her and tried to reach out to Jake who just stood there with his gaze transfixed to the floor, not once looking in my direction.
She takes a moment to process all that I’ve said. “What is the deal with your mom anyway? You don’t speak about her that much.”
I don’t talk about my mum because she has never been what I would truly call a mother. As a child, I had always had this deep-seated and dark feeling that she never truly cared for me like a mother should. It was her actions after Alan that cemented it for me. Coming to terms with that at the age of thirteen was even harder than the memories of what he did to me.