to be joking. “Of course I know that!” I was scandalized. “I don’t even understand how we got on this topic. I know about the different parts.”
Grandpa’s shoulders stiffened. “How do you know about the parts? You haven’t seen them, have you?”
I couldn’t believe we were having this conversation. “Cook the bacon and eggs!”
He ignored the demand. “It’s that Ryan boy, isn’t it? Hunter. That’s his first name. You two have been joined at the hip of late. You’re not joining anywhere else, are you?”
I couldn’t find the words to respond because I was certain my cheeks had burst into flames.
“Maybe I should have a talk with the boy,” Grandpa mused. “He’s big and sturdy, like a maple tree, but if I catch him off guard I might be able to get the drop on him.”
“You’re going to get the drop on him?” I couldn’t believe he was still talking. “This isn’t some cop movie, and you won’t do anything to him. He hasn’t done anything wrong. You need to just ... stop talking about this.”
I don’t care how enlightened you are — I was raised by a loose-lipped mother who thought we should talk frequently about absolutely everything, including menstruation and the female body’s erogenous zones — there are some things you should not discuss with a grandparent. It should be outlawed.
“I’m not trying to embarrass you,” Grandpa fired back.
“Well, you’re doing a great job of it.”
He pretended not to hear me. “If that boy is putting the moves on you ... .”
“Who even says that any longer?” I challenged. “You’re showing your age, Grandpa.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t work on me.” He was blasé. “Your mother can be manipulated by the age thing. Even though she’s a hippie, tree-loving, pain in the keister, she’s vain. You can tell by how often she looks in the mirror. I don’t care about the age. I believe in being who you are no matter your age.”
I was over this conversation. “Well, great. Finish my bacon and eggs. I’ve probably already lost this tip.”
“I said I was working on it.” His eyes flashed with annoyance. “You get more and more like your mother every day. You know that, right?”
He meant it as an insult, and that’s how I took it. “I just want my bacon and eggs,” I complained. “Why can’t you just give me my bacon and eggs?”
He smirked. “Your mother does that whiny thing, too.”
He knew exactly how to irritate me. “Okay, listen here, Grandpa.” I lowered my voice to barely a hiss. “If you don’t get me my bacon and eggs, I’ll tell Grandma you’ve been reading her books for tips but not using them.”
It took him a second to realize my threat. “You wouldn’t dare!”
“Try me.” I’d had enough. “I just want my bacon and eggs, for crying out loud. I want this shift to end. Then I want to leave with my boyfriend and spend a few hours hanging out without worrying about anything.
“You know what I really want, though?” I’d learned how to rant from him, so I was a pro. My talent was on full display today. “What I really want is not to have to work with family anymore. I mean ... is that not the absolute worst?”
“I like working with family,” he fired back. “It’s fun.”
“No, it’s not.” I couldn’t let it go now that I’d started. “It’s not fun at all. It’s loud ... and annoying ... and everybody always fights. When someone calls in sick, family has to cover. When you’re in a bad mood, family knows exactly how to make it worse — and they enjoy doing it. Strangers wouldn’t even know where to start on something like that.”
“Working with strangers is highly overrated,” Grandpa muttered. “Working with family is the best of both worlds. You say it’s annoying because family members always know how to make your day worse. They also know how to make it better, and if things are really bad, they go out of their way to make it better. Strangers don’t do that.”
He had a point. “I still hate it. The only thing I can say with any degree of certainty is that when I get older I’m not working with family. That’s all there is to it. I’m going to do something else, be someone else.”
“Like your mother?” Grandpa’s expression darkened further. “You really are like her.”
“I’m not. I don’t want to be like her either. I want to be my own person.”