To The Rude Guy in Apartment Five - J. S. Cooper Page 0,1
not frequent bars so I cannot help you. Maybe you should get a giant doll to keep you warm.
Your Neighbor at Number Four
P.S. I’m not a cop, but I see no reason to share my name with you as you’re someone I wish to avoid.
P.P.S. And in case you’re wondering, I wish to avoid you because you’re rude. Or rather, I should say, RUDE!
Hey Number Four,
It’s a good thing you didn’t live in apartment two or I’d have to call you Number Two. Ha! I hope you’re down for a little bathroom humor. But what guy isn’t? Am I right?
I spoke to the girl in apartment one and she told me your name is Allen. I think she might have the hots for you. She was pretending like she knew nothing about you, but I think she wants to bang you. Women always pretend they know nothing when they really know everything. You can buy me a beer after you bang her. She’s a looker for sure. Big tits, small waist. No ass, though. Not sure if you’re an ass guy.
Your New Neighbor at Number Five,
Jagger
P.S. I left you a bag of coffee. You’re welcome.
P.P.S. Have you tried those giant dolls? They’re cheaper to take on a date, but plastic pussy is too cold for me. I like my cock to be kept warm. You know what I mean?
To The Rude Guy in Apartment Five,
I don’t want your coffee. I don’t want to bang Kathy from apartment one. And no, I don’t appreciate bathroom humor. I’m over the age of five. How old are you? Actually, don’t answer that. I don’t care. Also, my name is not Allen.
#4 Neighbor
P. S. Stop leaving notes on my door. Thank you!
Hey Number Four,
I would probably put you in the first position for neighbor if I were to actually meet you. I would stop leaving notes on your door, but you keep leaving notes on mine and it would be rude to ignore you and not write back.
So Kathy is fair game for me? Is that what you’re saying? To be honest, I’d bang her, but she seems the sort that would be drama. I don’t want her turning up at my door at 3 in the morning, you know what I mean?
Are you ever going to tell me your name? Do you like Guns N’ Roses?
The Rude Guy in Apartment Five,
AKA Jagger
P.S. There was no need to grind up the beans and leave them outside my door. If you really didn’t want them then you could have just thrown them out.
P.P.S. Know any good strip clubs around here?
To The Rude Guy in Apartment Five,
I do not frequent strip clubs. I don’t care who or what you bang. I do not care if Kathy shows up at your door at 3 a.m. or 10 p.m. I do not care about Guns N’ Roses. I have no wish to hear about your sexual exploits. Not that it’s any of your business, but I am a woman. You need to find another bro to befriend.
#4
Hey Number Four,
I was starting to suspect that you might be of the fairer sex. Explains the blasting of Ed Sheeran yesterday morning. Not to be rude, but Ed Sheeran? Let me be honest with you: “I’m in Love with the Shape of You” is the anthem for fat women that don’t want to hit the gym. Do not be one of those women!
Now I really want to see you. Maybe we should arrange a playdate, if you know what I mean? And I don’t need to go to a strip club if you’re willing to provide lap dances in the privacy of my living room. I have some fat stacks sitting around.
What say you?
From the rude and packing guy in apartment five
To the Rude Guy in Apartment Five,
You’re a disgusting pig. Maybe you should move back to New York City. Your offensive ways do not work here in SF.
#4
P.S. Stop leaving me messages, and how dare you leave me a book on juice fasting! You have no idea what I look like.
To Number Four,
Was it you that left the bag of dog poop on my doormat? Naughty naughty! Do you have a dog? I do not mean to be offensive, just friendly. Will you show me around SF?
Your not-so-rude neighbor, Jagger
To the Rude Guy in Apartment Five,
No, no, and no.
#4
To Number Four,
Most women cry out yes, yes, yes when they’re with me.
Just FYI.
Your not-so-rude neighbor,
Jagger
To the Rude Guy in Apartment Five,
I