To The Rude Guy in Apartment Five - J. S. Cooper

Chapter One

Dear World,

It has been 450 days since I’ve had sex. Not that I’m counting or anything. But let’s be real—450 days is a lot of days. That’s over a year. I’m dying here. I mean, I know I could just have sex, but I want to be wined and dined as well. I want to believe that the man actually has feelings for me, not like the time I slept with that guy from the gym: he finished, high-fived me, and then left to meet another girl for dinner. And to top it off, he was like, “That was fun, Susana, let’s do it again soon.”

My name is Magnolia, so we both know that while I smiled on the outside as I watched him leave, I was crying on the inside.

In other news, I have an interview tomorrow for a job that would allow me to write for a living instead of selling makeup at the mall (which, frankly, wasn’t fun). Fingers crossed that it goes well. I’m in need of a serious inflow of cash. My rent just went up $200 a month, and my savings are nearly at zero.

No cash, no job, and no sex doesn’t make for a happy Magnolia Allen. Not at all.

Until next time, y’all!



To All the Residents of Bush Towers,

We would like to welcome our newest resident, Jagger Scott, to apartment five. He is relocating from New York City and will be moving in this weekend, so if you could ensure that all hallways are kept clear and try not to use the elevator too much, it would be appreciated.

Thank you.

Bush Towers Management

P.S. Please be informed that rent is due on the 1st of each month. You have a grace period until the 5th; after that, you will be charged a late fee.

Hey Apartment Four,

Sorry about your plant got knocked over. My moving guys hit it by accident.

Your New Neighbor at Number Five,


To My New Neighbor at Number Five,

You knocked over my plant and left it knocked over. There is soil everywhere. Also, was it you or one of your guys that spilled your coffee on my doormat?

Your Neighbor at Number Four

Hey Number Four,

Wasn’t there a book with that name? “I am Number Four,” or something? Was that you? Don’t know who spilled the coffee. I don’t drink caffeine. Maybe a different neighbor that dislikes you? I wasn’t sure what to do with the plant. Sorry about the soil. It looked a bit dry, so maybe you should worry about watering it first.

I’d like to make it up to you though, dude. Maybe we can go for a beer sometime?

Your Neighbor at Number Five,


P. S. Do you have a name?

To My New Neighbor at Number Five,

I don’t drink beer. Also, the plant you knocked over was a succulent. The soil doesn’t need much water. Are you sure you don’t drink coffee? There was an empty white cup outside my door this morning and it had the words “Blue Bottle Coffee” stamped on it.

Please stop leaving your trash outside my door or I will make an official complaint to management.

Your Neighbor at Number Four

P.S. Yes, I do have a name.

P.P.S. I Am Number Four is the name of a book by Pittacus Lore. There was also a movie made starring Alex Pettyfer. I am neither the character in the book or the actor in the movie.

Hey Number Four,

Are you sure that wasn’t your coffee cup and you’re just trying to blame it on me? Haha. Also, do you work the night shift or something? I knocked on your door last night to share some brewskies with you and no answer. I know you don’t drink beer, but I had whiskey as well.

I’ve never read the book, but an ex made me watch the movie. It was shit. Hence the reason she’s an ex. She had a banging body, but her taste in movies was like her taste in clothes.

What bars do you recommend around here? My bed is feeling cold and it’s not just because the City by the Bay seems to have made an enemy of the sun.

Your New Neighbor at Number Five,


P.S. And your name might be…? What are you, a cop? So secretive.

To My New Neighbor at Number Five,

I was out last night, but no need to return. I don’t want your beer or whiskey. I also don’t want your trash. Please do not leave it outside my door. There is a trash chute to the right of the elevator. I do