Role Play - Alison Hendricks

1

Elliot

If I was left to my own devices, I probably would have never gone out.

But, my own guilt had ways of making me do things, overcoming my natural tendency toward introversion for the sake of my friends. After all, they wanted to spend time with me. They'd been asking ever since Barbara died, inviting me out to big events and small after-work things alike. I hadn't declined every one of those invitations, but I declined more often than not. Enough that my friends always joked they must have seen a ghost when I actually showed up to one of these places.

It'd been different before. I was always an introvert, but Barbara had a way of getting me out of my shell. She told me to put those amateur acting skills of mine to good use every time we went out, and there were nights when I imagined myself as someone else. Sure, it was a little Burt Macklin, FBI of me, but it made for a fun time and got me out of my head. She'd always enjoyed it, too.

She was gone now, though. She'd been gone for over a year, and every day, I noticed myself falling deeper and deeper into that hole of isolation. I knew she wouldn't want that. I didn't even want that. I missed my friends and, truth be told, I was lonely. Lonely enough that I'd made a couple of accounts across various dating apps to test the waters a bit. I'd jumped right out of those waters as soon as I dipped my toe in, but it was progress. Maybe.

It was something I wanted to explore more, because the loneliness I felt when I came home to no one was beginning to weigh on me. I needed a partner, or at least someone I could spend time with. Someone who would help keep me sane when my students were being especially difficult. I wanted to be able to give another person affection again. To touch someone and have them touch me. To get off to more than my own hand for once. Simple wants, but still a big step.

And honestly? I'd been thinking more and more about how I wanted that person to be a man.

Maybe not long term. I wasn't ready for any long-term relationship just yet. But something casual, as a way to explore some things I'd never experienced before? It could have been an early mid-life crisis. Still, it felt like something I could handle. I was even excited by the prospect of doing it, even if I had absolutely no idea how to go about it.

That was part of why I'd agreed to meet my friends at Dave and Buster’s after a couple hours' spent grading papers. Keith wasn't the only gay man I knew, but he was definitely the most prone to over-sharing. If I could needle information out of anyone, it would be him. Tina had always been supportive, ever since we ended up very close to the chopping block our second year of teaching. We'd suffered through the agonizing wait as the school got its grade for the previous year and the funding for next, and we'd both awaited the phone call as if it was the sword of Damocles over our heads. When we'd found out we would both have jobs the next year, we'd been completely blasted on bottomless margaritas at La Tienda. I'd definitely cried. Barb teased me about it later.

They were good people, though, and more than just work friends to me. Sure, Keith came on a little strong. When he found out I was questioning my sexuality, he'd kept making me aware of the fact that he was down for a three-way if my wife ever was. She'd found it funny, but I'd been mortified each and every time. It was one thing for a spouse to be supportive of their partner redefining their sexuality as something other than straight. It was another thing to have to explain that your friend kept "offering his dick to the cause," as he put it.

I was a little apprehensive about talking to him tonight, because I knew that would be where he went before anyplace else. For now, though, I just joined them in the booth, a glass of ice water already in my spot.

"Hey, hope you haven't been here too long," I said, sliding in next to Tina.

"Only about ten minutes for me. I have no idea how long Keith's been here. He was