from a boy into a teenager, I could see the man he would become,’ he went on falteringly. ‘Strong, dependable, macho when he needed to be on the rugby field but never afraid to show his caring side.’ Pausing to swallow, he stopped and glanced at the ceiling.
‘He loved his music and his sport,’ he continued shakily. ‘Lived for his canoeing. Casting off the shackles of everyday life, as he referred to it. Getting back in touch with himself through nature. I’ll never forget the time he pointed out that I was perhaps a little too close to nature to be enjoying the experience. He was right. A novice and upside-down in a canoe is not a great place to be. Josh never took credit for it, but I think he saved my life that day.’
He paused again, pinching the bridge of his nose hard. ‘He urged me to get back on the horse.’ A sad smile curved his mouth. ‘We often went canoeing together after that. We would spend hours talking about life, his plans for the future. I’m a builder by trade, it’s all I’ve ever known. It’s not up there as far as high-powered careers go, but on one of those trips Josh told me he was proud of me, proud of the fact that I run my own company, provide people with jobs and teach them a trade. I couldn’t have been prouder of him at that moment. Our teenage son was growing into a man right before my eyes.’
As Adam hesitated again, Cassie felt her brother shift in his seat next to her, ready to take over should he be too overcome. Knowing that Adam wouldn’t want that, she pressed her hand to Tom’s arm, urging him to stay.
‘He confided that he wanted to be a teacher,’ Adam managed after a second, his voice choked. ‘Wondered what I thought. He was concerned I’d be disappointed that he didn’t want to join me in the business, I think. I told him that Cassie and I would both be proud of him. It was a perfect vocation for someone with a caring soul and a natural instinct to help others.
‘He had so many plans. One of those was to take Cassie and me to a concert to see his favourite band, whose music we chose today because it was so much a part of who he was. There was one song he played over and over. It talks about every day being a miracle, helping one another and connecting back with people. We didn’t realise until he’d gone what a miracle every day we had with Josh was. He laughed a lot, loved people, loved life. He wasn’t the kind of person who would hunker down and wait for the storm to pass; he danced in the rain. Remembering his enthusiasm and desire to live life to the full, seeing the many friends he made, I know in my heart he wouldn’t want us to hide away in our grief. He would want us to celebrate his life by remembering the good times and living ours.’
He stopped, looking directly at Cassie. Even from yards away, she could see the anguish in his eyes. He was as broken as she was. How could he not be? To begin with, she hadn’t felt she could go on, hadn’t thought she deserved to. Josh had left because of her, because of the silly argument they’d had. She would never forgive herself for that. Now, though… Imagining Adam trying to deal with grief twice over, the torture he would suffer, undoubtedly blaming himself again if she chose what seemed to be an easier option than trying to live without her son, she knew she could never do that to him.
‘Goodbye, Josh,’ he said unsteadily. ‘You were the best son anyone could ever have. We’re not ready to lose you, but we have to let go. Wherever you are, stay safe in the knowledge that we love you.’
Cassie wanted to run as the curtains began to close, not away from her boy’s coffin, but towards it. She was scared, terrified for him. She couldn’t bear the thought of him going through this on his own.
It was her brother who stilled her. ‘Come on, Cas,’ he urged her, his arm sliding around her shoulders as she stood, only to feel the muscles in her legs grow weak. ‘Josh will always be with us in our hearts.’