My Midlife Crisis, My Rules (Good to the Last Death #4) - Robyn Peterman Page 0,3

that was on my list to unravel.

Three—Gram was at my house being guarded by Heather—my newly discovered sister and longtime dear friend—who just so happened to be the Immortal Arbitrator between Heaven and Hell. The fact that there were centuries separating us in age didn’t faze me. Heather looked like she was in her late thirties. It amazed me that Immortals could choose their age and change it on a whim.

And of course, the man I adored was older than dirt—literally. My new normal was anything but.

Four—Missy was fine, or so she said. We’d laid a lot on her last night and she’d come through like a champion. I was a little worried about her and Heather’s relationship, now that Missy knew Heather had been alive for-freakin’-ever, but that was their issue to work out.

Five—Steve was doing okay. I kept expecting him to go into the light now that the path was clear, but he seemed in no hurry to move on. Secretly, it delighted me. My dead gay husband was my best friend. I knew he would eventually leave me for good, but having him here calmed me. Life was a whirlwind of change. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.

“This looks like a fine spot,” Candy Vargo announced, glancing around. “Off the beaten track. No one will stumble upon us here.”

“What exactly are we going to do here?” I asked.

Candy grinned. It wasn’t a sweet grin, but then again, Candy wasn’t exactly sweet—more like batshit crazy. “You’ll see.”

“That’s enough, Candy,” Gideon said sharply. “Everyone spread out. Daisy, stay with me.”

An anxious feeling coursed through my body and made my stomach tighten. With each frigid breath, I was unsure if I wanted to laugh, cry, scream, or peel my skin off. I was worried about everyone—including me right now. My emotions ran amok. Lack of caffeine wasn’t helping. Running ten miles would be a good plan. Instead, I was standing in the middle of an empty field wondering if I was going to be alive an hour from now.

“I want you to hit me. Hard,” Gideon directed, shrugging out of his jacket and dropping it to the ground.

Squinting at the man I loved, I laughed. The sound was tinny to my ear, but laughing was far better than dropping a string of profanities. I was Southern. Even after all that had gone down, I had a few manners left. “You’re kidding me.”

“He’s not,” Candy Vargo yelled from about twenty yards away, also taking off her winter coat and tossing it aside. Candy, the hot mess, was also known as Karma—the controller of fate. And my fate wasn’t looking too good at the moment. “After you nail Gideon, you’re gonna have a go at me.”

“Thanks, but I’ll take a pass,” I muttered, wondering if everyone had lost their minds. They were Immortal. I was not. I could see ghosts, dive into their minds and help them move on. Yes, I was coming into some bizarre and disturbing powers from the mind diving, but that didn’t mean I would survive an Immortal smackdown. Four Immortals to one human Death Counselor were not good odds, even though I knew no one present would off me on purpose.

Candy began doing jumping jacks and cackling like the insane nutjob that she was. Tim, my socially awkward, vibrator-rehoming buddy, was stretching and grinning. He was my local mailman and the Immortal Courier between the Darkness and the Light. He also believed that sex toys were immoral and refused to deliver them. We’d had a serious discussion about that one and he was trying to change his ways. And Charlie, the Immortal Enforcer who was married to one of my dearest human friends, June, cracked his knuckles and gave me the stink eye. Charlie was one of the sweetest people I knew—but not so much at the moment.

Before I’d even had my morning iced coffee with a healthy squirt of chocolate syrup, I’d been led to Gideon’s car and driven to the acres of gorgeous land he’d purchased for us to build a home on.

And now, apparently, I was supposed to punch all of my friends while avoiding death.

“Tell me this is a joke,” I pleaded with Gideon, who had not only removed his coat but his shirt as well.

He was half naked in thirty-degree weather. It was incredibly distracting. The man was otherworldly beautiful. The icy wind ruffled his blond hair, but the cold didn’t seem to affect his Adonis-like body… even though