Kissing Claws - Julia Mills

Chapter One

Buzz... Buzz... Buuuuuzzzzzz...

Scratching my nose before sliding the back of my hand across my eyes, I tried with all my might to ignore the obnoxious, unending, dull roar of my phone. Who the hell thought it was okay to disturb me at some ungoddessly hour of the morning during the best dream I’d ever – in my incredibly long and beautiful life - had? I mean, come on. What’s a Fairy gotta do to get a little me-time?

I know I put out a memo, an email, something. Does this bonehead caller not read? Did he forget? It was as bright as the wings on my back.

No calls the morning after my birthday.

Good grief, there've been enough of them. We Fairies live a long, long, long time. This is not breaking news. It’s just common sense.

Besides, that’s what texting is for. Get with the times. A single ding, maybe a bing, and all’s well that ends well. My callers get to reach out, I get to keep dreaming, nobody dies, and I return the message when I’m coherent.

Self-explanatory, right? Yeah, but, noooooooooo, the eejit with the itchy dialing finger refused to take a hint. Instead, he (Had to be a dude. Women are too smart and too busy to be that annoying.) just kept hitting the little green button as if he was one-clicking his way through Amazon’s Cyber Monday sale.

Why not use all that annoying skill to find a Dialers Anonymous meeting? Put a puzzle together? Bake me a damn cake? At the very least, use those dopey digits to call Tony the Troll and his big brother, Theo. Those boys are always happy to come over and explain things. It's with both fists and a swift kick in the ass, but hey, the ding-dong dialer will know what's what when the big boys are done. (Yes, I was being a tad bitchy. Blame it on the alcohol. Ha! Can't believe I said that. How cool. Don't you love that song? I love that song. Who knew Jamie Foxx could sing? Sorry, I'll work on my focus.)

Maybe I should clarify. Wouldn’t want y’all plannin’ an intervention or anything like that. Unless one of you beautiful humans was thinking about whipping up some of those luscious lemon squares. If you were, then sign me up. I’ll sit there like a good Fairy with curves and a perfect butt, listen with both my pointy, little ears, and smile all the way to a five-pound weight gain.

If there’s one thing Fairies love, it’s sugary, tangy, yummy, melt-in-your-mouth sweeties. They make our wings tingle and our glitter glow. Send us into orbit with a goofy grin and a heavenly sigh. Speaking as the foremost authority, and a Fairy to boot, I can tell you that homemade lemon squares, warm out of the oven, and sprinkled with powdered sugar are almost, I said almost, better than sex.

I'll also accept chocolate chip cookies, brownies, peanut butter balls, or key lime pie. Humans have the best desserts. Y'all really do. They're hands down the bestest on the planet, and I should know, I'm a Fairy girl who loves her sugar.

But I digress… again...

As I was saying, a long time ago, back when I was still a Faeling – a Fairy younger than two-hundred years old – I drank my body weight in Sugar Plum Wine, danced on every table in the Tipsy Troll, and flashed the bartenders at Horny Unicorn – seven-and-a-half times. (Don’t ask. I don’t remember a damn thing. I'm just tellin' ya' what I was told, and Kiki never lies.)

Thank the great Goddess cell phones were not a thing all the way back in the good old days. It has saved me a mountain of embarrassment and harassment. My gorgeous humans, please remember one thing, even if you happen to be like me, one of the blessed Fae, life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk.

Sadly, I lost more than my pink sparkly platforms and the matching clutch. Tales of that evening are Legendary. Hell, they're cautionary tales for Faelings on every Mound in the world and more than a few on the other side of the Veil. (And that makes me a role model. My mom will disagree, but I'm taking the win.)

For that reason, and that reason alone, I gave up drinking anything more potent than the one and only Frannie's Fave - a large iced coffee with three shots of espresso, extra-extra cream, and