Influence - Sara Shepard


What happened at Gratitude was not in my plans.

You see, in my world, we planned things very carefully. Everything we did, every move, every smile, every word out of our mouths—it was crafted. We showed you only what we wanted you to see. And, okay, a few things leaked recently that surprised you. But it was fine. I don’t know about everyone else, but I had my life under control.

Or did I?

Gratitude Prom took place on a clear, warm evening in late June, and it started perfectly. All of you watched the stories and the live feeds and the update videos of me as I got ready (after having everything already done professionally off camera, of course). I posted updates as I piled into the limo that had been secured for free in exchange for a simple mention online. I posted more updates as I paraded down the red carpet. You, my dear fans, circulated my pictures all over the world as I posed with “friends.” You shared and re-shared, you posted and re-posted, you made fan edits and comments. You gossiped. Sometimes you were even nasty about me. But I pretended not to notice. I stayed on message, on-brand.

But as I headed to the after-party, which took place in the lavish apartment complex where many of us lived, I started to feel . . . nervous. I told myself to get a grip. Everything was going to be okay in the end—I had it covered. But so many people were angry with me. So many were disappointed. Some of you were over me, or thought I didn’t deserve to be where I was and what I was: famous. And maybe I was right to worry, because look what happened at the end of the night. I barely remembered those blurry, messy hours. The arguments. The betrayal. The pain. The sheer surprise of it all. I barely remembered screaming, and then storming off, and then spinning, and then yelling, and then closing my eyes.

And then . . . nothing.

But here’s the thing: Don’t hate me for filling up your feeds. Don’t hate me for the brands I convinced you to buy, the movies I goaded you to see. Don’t resent me for the gossip I dropped, breadcrumb-like, for you to devour, obsess over, believe. I was what you needed. I was your guiding light, people. That was why they called me an influencer—I had influence over millions of you. But that perfect little world you thought you were witnessing? It was mostly lies. My smiles and sweetness, my big hugs and happy hashtags: it was all a juicy, duplicitous trick for you to share and discuss and gobble up. And those lies were what destroyed me, plain and simple.

But maybe you don’t want to hear that. Maybe you’d rather believe I was exactly who you saw on your screens: a girl who was beautiful, unflappable, and untouchable.

And, most importantly, still alive.

One month earlier


Delilah Rollins was going to a very, very important party.

She sat in the back of her family’s nondescript SUV—as though her mom, Bethany, was an Uber driver and she was the passenger—biting her nails in excitement and terror. Her mom clutched the steering wheel and fitfully murmured about the chaos of LA traffic, a city the family was brand-new to as of six days earlier, when they’d moved there from Minneapolis. To say they were having culture shock was a major understatement.

“So tell me again what this thing is?” Bethany asked warily, cursing under her breath as another driver cut her off.

Delilah shifted. “It’s for Wellness Beauty. It should be great. A lot of influencers and celebrities will be there, there will be tons of photo ops, free stuff . . .”

Delilah’s sister, Ava, who was also sitting in the backseat, turned, eyes gleaming. “Ooh, can you get me an eyeshadow palette?”

Bethany frowned. “You’re too young for makeup, Ava.”

Ava pouted. “Fourteen isn’t too young!”

Bethany ignored this, glancing at Delilah again in the rearview mirror. “Who invited you?”

Delilah felt the same thrill that she had when she’d first gotten the invitation. Only one of the most famous people on the planet invited me, actually. But she couldn’t tell her mom that. It might freak her out. Her mom was wary of famous people, especially influencers. “Just some people I know online,” she said casually.

“In other words, strangers.” Bethany shook her head. “Maybe I should come in with you.”

“No!” Delilah begged. “You can’t! I’ll be fine!”

The argument was curtailed because Delilah’s