How To Fake an Engagement with the Best Man - London Casey Page 0,3

down one pussy for the rest of your life.”

Levi put his hand to my wrist and lowered my glass. “You’re an asshole, Lincoln.”

“What? I’m here to celebrate you.”

“You brought me to some dive pizza place,” Levi said. “And you keep announcing I’m getting married so someone will buy me a drink. And then you take the goddamn drink for yourself.”

“You’re not drinking tonight.”

“That’s not the point.”

“It is to me,” I said. “I’m enjoying the opportunity at hand. Plus, you and Karen have put me through hell. I’m exhausted from this wedding.”

“You’re supposed to be my best man,” Levi said.

“I am. Everything is perfect, Levi. Is Karen really this uptight?”

“She’s not uptight. It’s her only wedding.”

“You hope.”

Levi lifted his left middle finger. “Do you ever stop?”

“No,” I said. I downed my drink. “Look, brother, I’ve done it all. I helped you pick out the ring. I helped set up the proposal. I’ve taken pictures. I’ve gone to venues. Eating food. Tried fucking cake. Cake, Levi. And let’s not forget the tux situation.”

“Maroon would have looked nice,” Levi said.

“If you showed up in a goddamn maroon tux, Karen would have had no choice but to let me take her home and fuck the sadness out of her.”

“Lincoln, seriously, that’s enough. You have to stop saying stuff like that. She’s my wife.”

“Not yet,” I said. “She has time to come to her senses.”

“For you?” Levi asked. He laughed. “You think she would leave me for you?”

“Everyone knows when there’s two brothers only one has a nice dick,” I said. “It’s just the way Mother Nature is. And we both know Mother Nature pointed at me and said, Bless this baby with a banger hanging between his legs…”

Levi looked around and sighed. “I need a drink.”

I stood up. “Hey, everyone! My brother is getting married!”

I whistled and clapped.

Everyone else did the same.

Two minutes later, we had free drinks.

“I’m watching the weather and it looks good,” Levi said. “But there’s a system out to the west. If it shifts…”

“Christ, brother,” I said. “Have another drink.”

“No, no,” he said. “I’m good.”

“Eat another slice.”


“This is great pizza, and you know it.”

“I’ll give you that.”

“The whole dive setting isn’t so bad.”

“What the hell are you doing here, Lincoln?” Levi asked. “You make how much a year?”

“The food is good. And some nights you get women in here that just…” I kissed my fingertips and groaned.

“You’re never going to settle,” Levi said.

“You do all the settling,” I said. “I’ll tell my wild sex stories to your dick, okay? In about six months when the new marriage thing wears off… you and Karen will be scheduling your sex nights. Oh, I have a meeting Wednesday so we can’t fuck Tuesday night. Oh, shit, babe, I had tacos for lunch, I better not get too frisky…”

“Can you just look at this fucking weather thing with me?” Levi snapped.

I pushed the pizza out of the way and looked at his phone.

I shook my head. “None issue.”


“It’s not going to rain on your wedding day,” I said. “But, if it does, it’s good luck. Also, if it does, bridesmaids… soaking wet… even Karen would look good.”

“Dammit, Lincoln,” Levi said.

“Sorry,” I said. “The weather will be fine. Worst case, there’s a canopy thing out back. I saw it when I went for a smoke. Big enough for the wedding and reception. Before you get your panties twisted over that, there are French doors that lead to a room big enough for the wedding ceremony itself.”

“You saw all that?”

“Yeah. I’m your best man. I have to know these things. One droplet of rain, I’ll be all over it. We’ll get everything moved in no time.”

Levi nodded. “Okay. I appreciate that.”

“Or we just stay outside. Everyone getting wet. Really wet. Tight dresses. Nice tits. You know the bridesmaids are going to be wearing tight thongs too. So much ass…”

“That brings me to another point,” Levi said. “I’m saying it one more time, Lincoln. Hear me out. Loud and clear. No fucking the bridesmaids.”

“What about the maid of honor?” I asked.


“What about the bride herself?”

Levi flipped me off again.

“Okay… what about the best man?”

Levi snarled his lip. “If you want to jerk off, have at it.”

“Just not during the ceremony, right?”

“Right,” Levi said.

“Good. But wait… what if one of the bridesmaids comes on to me? I’m the best man. I’m going to be up there, crying, giving you your rings, giving a speech that will make every woman weep and get wet…”

“You’re not going to cry,” Levi