angsty love stories. Everyone in Hollywood desperately wants to be in one of his movies.
“My role?” I scoff. “You say that like I already have the part.”
Billie grins. “Because you do.”
I roll my eyes at her insane optimism and grab another faux-communal fry.
“Just remember what I’ve told you,” Rocky asserts.
“About Andrew?”
She nods.
I practically snort. “I think it would take a traumatic brain injury to make me forget.”
She laughs at me and lifts her hands defensively. “Hey, I’m just trying to look out for you. His dick is like a soldier. It’s seen things ladies like us should never see. Done things it’s not even sure it’s proud of. It is a maker of sexual carnage, I’m telling you.”
“Jesus,” Billie whispers, calling on religion to save her from this conversation yet again.
“I was a virgin until I got together with Harrison, okay? I didn’t know dick about dicks, and I’ve still heard all about Andrew Watson’s favorite appendage. So, just do yourself a favor and eliminate the possibility of getting taken with a man in uniform, so to speak.”
“Is it just me or does this lunch have way more use of the word ‘dick’ than normal?” Billie remarks. But Rocky is undeterred.
“Staff Sergeant Dick Richardson may look charming, but he is a savage. Slaying hearts all over the fucking world.”
“But Luca says Andrew isn’t that bad,” Billie challenges. “And personally, anytime I’ve seen him or we’ve had dinner with him or he’s come over to help Luca with something, he’s been nothing but super sweet to me.”
Rocky chortles. “That’s because Luca has a dick of his own, and you’re one of his best friend’s soon-to-be wife and baby momma.”
“So?”
“If you were single,” Rocky answers without missing a beat, “I guarantee you’d get a completely different Andrew.”
My sister’s expression is unconvinced. “You’re acting like he’s some kind of d-a-w, dawg.”
“Because he is,” Rocky challenges, the corners of her lips curving up with all kinds of secret knowledge. “Luca and Andrew have been friends for a long time. Before Luca turned himself into an Alaskan hermit and reformed his ways. I’ve been witness to many, many things. I’m not suggesting Birdie run scared. I’m just making sure she has all the important information.”
“Oh boy. He sounds wonderful,” I mutter and take a sip of my iced tea. Billie is once again quick to jump in and reassure me.
“Relax, Birdie,” she says and pats my hand from across the table. “I’m sure you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your future costar.”
“You lunatics keep acting like I already have the part. I still have to freaking audition. It’s not a foregone conclusion.”
“Help me out here, Rocky,” Billie says and moves her focus to her future sister-in-law after a heavy sigh. “Surely, you can tell Birdie something that will prevent her from flaking out on the opportunity of a lifetime—make some kind of productive contribution to this lunch.”
“I’m not going to flake out,” I lie. I am seriously considering ghosting. Casper-level, no-call, no-text kind of shit.
“Okay.” Rocky nods, clearly hearing the panic in my tone. She sets down her fork, putting both elbows on the table. “First of all, don’t stress about the stuff I told you about Andrew—”
“I’m not stressed about him,” I cut her off. “Nope. Not stressed at all over the fact that you’ve spent an entire lunch counseling me on how to handle a man—one of what I’m sure are many millions of assholes in this world—rather than how to handle a role in a profession for which I’m nearly entirely unqualified. No, it’s no problem at all.”
Rocky grins. “Are you sure you’ve never acted before? That was a very dramatic monologue.”
“Rocky,” I say, closing my eyes tight and banging my head on the table.
“Okay, okay. No more Andrew Watson talk. I think you get it.”
“Yeah, well,” I grumble, lifting my head from the table. “You made it easy to summarize. Faced with the possibility of landing this role, I have one important rule outside of the actual job. Don’t fuck Andrew Watson.” She laughs again, and I shake my head. “Easy enough.”
Birdie
If I were at Target right now, I’d be looking for the aisle with Depends. Desperately. Like, forget all formal training in avoiding embarrassment, get the closest associate with a radio to broadcast a public call to the manager, tell me where the freak the adult diapers are before you’re doing the tile cleanup kind of searching.