I hoped next time she got into her car on a hot day the windscreen got smeared, and when she went to use the wipers she found the water had run out, forcing her to pull over, stop the car, get out and clean the windscreen by hand.
‘ . . . hellooooo . . . Lottie . . . ’
Luke was waving in my face.
‘Sorry.’ I tried to pull myself together. ‘I was just thinking about . . . stuff.’
I rarely wished bad things to happen to him. Rarely. So, so rarely.
‘Hey, Storm likes Childish Gambino too, isn’t that amazing? I’ve finally found someone who appreciates great music.’
I looked at Luke, hoping that next time he went on an aeroplane he had to sit in the middle of a row of three between a large man eating Monster Munch and a toddler with a penchant for making friends.
Chapter 2
Love is . . . what got me into this mess in the first place
BOBBY, 75
‘Why are you giving me the cold shoulder?’
We had been back in the flat for all of three minutes. I ignored his question.
‘You’re being ridiculous,’ he said, stumbling slightly over the long word.
‘Don’t patronise me.’
‘I’m not patronising you.’
I had spent the rest of the party avoiding him, drank way too much Prosecco in a very short period of time and when I had gone to leave (no one else was looking close to departing) Luke had insisted on accompanying me. Storm gave him an enthusiastic wave goodbye which Luke had, of course, returned.
‘You were being weird all the way back with your shifty eyes and your muttering I couldn’t quite make out but was loud enough for me to know it was happening,’ he said, following me into our bedroom. ‘I knew something was up.’
I spun round. ‘I don’t have shitty eyes!’
‘I didn’t say shitty – shifty, shiiiffftttyyy,’ he said, still slurring the words. ‘Is this about Storm?’ He looked up at me and put one hand over his heart. ‘I haven’t done anything.’
‘Apparently you have been really attentive.’ I made sure to do the quotation marks with my fingers.
‘What? So I’m not allowed to talk to women any more?’
‘I wouldn’t mind if it was just talking but it sounds like you are swanning round the office flirting with the new, young graphic designers the moment they arrive.’
‘What? I don’t do that . . . You’re being irrational.’
‘Oh, typical. Deflect attention back on to me being delusional. Crrrraaaaazy Lottie,’ I said in a pretty crazy voice. ‘She must be imagining things, it must be all in her head.’ I jabbed at the side of my head with my forefinger.
Luke stared at me, dumbfounded.
‘Gaslighter,’ I muttered, knowing I was being rather extreme. I was past the point of taking anything back, though. I was at that stage of the argument where you just have to crack on. I had committed to this argument.
‘I’m not a—’
‘You didn’t tell her you had a girlfriend,’ I interrupted, triumphantly.
‘What am I meant to do? Start every conversation with this information? We’ve only spoken about twice. And we were talking work: it would have been weird.’
‘You still could have told her,’ I repeated, determined to try and stay on track. ‘How do you think it made me feel?’
‘Oh, well, I’m sorry I wasn’t wearing my Luke luvs Lottie sandwich board that day.’ He threw up both arms to the ceiling.
‘No need to be sarcastic.’
‘There’s no need for you to be so mad but it isn’t stopping you.’
He started getting undressed and I held up a hand. ‘Woah, woah, woah.’
He paused, one leg out of his jeans.
‘What are you doing? I’m not sharing a bed with you tonight, we’re not OK,’ I said, indicating the space between us with rapid hand movements.
‘Are you’ – he stumbled, one hand out on the bed to right himself as he stepped out of his jeans and underwear – ‘what the . . . you can’t be serious. I haven’t done anything, Lottie.’ His voice was louder now and for the first time he seemed to have sobered up.
He sat stubbornly on the side of the bed, arms folded. ‘I’m not sleeping on the sofa when I haven’t done anything wrong.’ He would have looked more serious if he wasn’t wearing one sock and no pants.
‘Well, I’m not sleeping on the sofa.’ I moved across to the bed too.
He started mimicking my voice and that was all it took