“Okay, I know you’re not the party animal yours truly was as a teenager, but I feel like every sixteen-year-old should go to an unsupervised party at least once in their life.”
“Why would I want to do that? Why would you want me to do that?”
“We haven’t had sex since summer break began,” Dad said matter-of-factly, joining the conversation.
“Daddd,” I groaned, covering my ears. “Come on!”
He walked into the room, sat down on the bed behind Mom, and wrapped his arms around her. “Ah, come on, Ellie. We all know sexual intercourse is a beautiful, natural act, one we should all celebrate when it is had in a consensual, respectable fashion.”
“Oh, my gosh, please stop talking. Seriously. Stop.” I tightened my grip on my ears, and they laughed.
“He’s just teasing you, but we were hoping to have a horror movie marathon, and I know how you hate horror movies,” Mom said, and I was actually thankful for the heads-up.
One time when I was a kid, I’d walked in on them watching Chucky, and for weeks I was convinced my dolls were out to get me. I got rid of every stuffed animal I owned. You never really notice how creepy Cabbage Patch Kids are until you envision them with butcher knives in their hands.
Don’t even get me started on the time Dad thought I was old enough to watch The Shining.
Spoiler alert: I wasn’t.
Ever since then, when they had a horror movie night, I made sure to go to Shay’s house. I would’ve been fine with it, too, if it hadn’t been that night of all nights.
“Can’t you guys just wait a few days?” I asked.
“We would, but seeing how it’s our anniversary…” Mom’s words trailed off, obviously thinking that would be enough to convince me.
Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.
“Oh, man, that’s today?” I asked. “Didn’t that just happen last year?”
Dad smirked. “It’s insane—you can remember book release dates, but not your own parents’ anniversary.”
“You would understand if you ever read these books, Dad.”
“It’s on my to-do list,” he joked. He’d been saying that since the first Harry Potter book had come out. I wasn’t holding my breath.
“I’m just saying, Ellie, it would be great for your father and me to have the house to ourselves tonight. Plus, you know how hard it is for us to find alone time to…well, you know,” Mom commented.
“Have sex,” Dad said, making it clear as day. “Honestly, you’re welcome to stay here, but you do know how thin these walls are. So, if you want to go from hearing horror movie characters’ scream to hearing your mother’s screams, by all means, stay.”
“For the love of… I just wish you’d stop talking now.”
My parents’ favorite pastime was making me as uncomfortable as possible. They were ridiculously good at it, too. They always got such pleasure from my pain.
Dad couldn’t stop himself from teasing me more. “If you want, you can just get earplugs while we are—”
I leaped up from my bed and shouted. “Okay! Okay! You win. I’m going to the party with Shay.”
They smiled, pleased.
“Though I do think it’s rude that you use sex talk to make me uncomfortable enough to get your way.”
“Oh honey.” Mom smiled and rested her head on Dad’s shoulder as he tightened his arms around her. They were so grossly in love. “The best part of parenthood is making your teenager uncomfortable. Remember that.”
“I’ll keep it in my back pocket. I’ll be back by ten, so wrap it up by then.”
“Okay, but make your curfew midnight for tonight! You’re young! Now go, be free! Be wild!” Dad shouted. “And keep an eye on Shay, will you?”
“Will do.”
“Oh, and do you want some condoms?” Mom asked, making me cringe. She loved every second of it.
“No, Mother Dearest. I’m good.”
“Are you good?” Shay asked, looking into her handheld mirror and applying her tenth coat of lip gloss as we stood on the front porch of some random kid’s house. My cousin Shay was beautiful. She was the kind of beautiful that didn’t seem fair for a high schooler, and she’d been that way her whole life. My aunt Camila was a gorgeous Hispanic woman, and Shay took after her more than she did my uncle Kurt, which was a blessing, since Kurt was an asshole. The less connection Shay had with her father, the better, really.
But man, had she gotten her mother’s looks. I was sure the day Shay had been born,