Dr Dale's Zombie Dictionary: The A-Z Guide to Staying Alive - By Dale Seslick Page 0,1

zombie going is its brain. This means that zombies are impervious to pain so will keep coming until you achieve a head shot (the reason you go for a head shot is that the brain is kept in the head – that’s the round thing on your neck with hair on top and a face on the front). This is why your choice of weapon is important – but more of that later.

4) There is no cure.

There is no cure for a zombie infection. Once you are bitten, you become a zombie. So stop thinking there is a cure because there isn’t. Even if there is it’s important that you think there isn’t. Because thinking there’s a cure will give you hope, and hope will make you weak, and weakness will make you lose, and losing mean you die, and dying means you rise, and rising means you become a zombie – for which there is no cure. So stop thinking there’s a cure because that will give you hope and hope will make you weak and… You get the message.

Those are the basics of zombies and that is all you need to know so far. Don’t worry about why the dead have started to rise or indeed how the dead have started to rise. Once they rise it does become somewhat of a moot point. Your only concern once the apocalypse begins is to survive – not to question the whole affair.

Remember, the zombies won’t be bothered why it happened – they’ll just be focused on biting you. You need to focus too. On living.

Let us continue…

AARDVARK

In African folklore the aardvark is much admired because of its diligent quest for food and its fearless response to the strong, warlike soldier ant. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, we should all take a lesson from the humble aardvark in order to survive, using the analogy that you are an aardvark and the undead hordes are a swarm of warrior ants. Do not take this analogy too far though, as zombies cannot be killed with Nippon.

African Hausa magicians make charms from the heart, skin, forehead and nails of the aardvark, which are then pounded together with the root of a certain tree. Wrapped in a piece of skin and worn on the chest, the charm is said to give the owner the ability to pass through walls or roofs at night.

Should you happen to come across an aardvark during the apocalypse and wish to try this technique, we recommend getting a friend you are not terribly fond of to attempt it first as we cannot guarantee the success of the charm having never used it ourselves. A better use for an aardvark, given its average weight of 80–150 lb and length of up to 7 feet, is to freeze it solid and use it as a bludgeoning weapon.

ABYSS

An abyss, as described in the Collins dictionary, is a very deep hole or chasm, and you most certainly wouldn’t want to end up in one of those during the days of the dead. Abyss, however, is also a very atmospheric word that can be used when you wish to come across as a mean and moody person of action when implementing a dangerous plan.

USING THE WORD ‘ABYSS’

EXAMPLE 1: Your entire group is poised at the exit to your safe house ready to leave and seek out food and supplies. Just before you open the door you turn and say: ‘Time to enter the abyss’, raise your eyebrow, nod slowly, and leave. The others regard you as brave and wise.

EXAMPLE 2: You are in the safety of your sanctuary and decide to go to the bathroom to relieve your bowels. As you reach the door you turn to the rest of the room and say: ‘Time to enter the abyss’, raise your eyebrow, nod slowly, and leave. The others regard you as brave and wise.

EXAMPLE 3: Not to be confused with Abyssinia (the country). If you announce: ‘Time to enter Abyssinia’ the others will regard you as geographically incompetent or wonder how you are getting to Ethiopia (where there isn’t much food anyway).

ALIENS

I know exactly what you’re planning to do – you’re planning to skip this bit because you think it’s a bit silly to be discussing aliens in a book that purports to be about zombies. Well, I’m afraid if you want to learn all there is to learn you’re just going to have to suck it up and carry on reada