Beautiful Pain - J.M. Walker

Definition of sadism (n)

Bing Dictionary


[ sáy dìzzəm ]

hurting others for sexual pleasure: the gaining of sexual gratification by causing physical or mental pain to other people, or the acts that produce such gratification

being cruel for fun: the gaining of pleasure from causing physical or mental pain to people or animals

cruelty: great physical or mental cruelty

Definition of masochism (n)

Bing Dictionary


[ mássə kìzzəm ]

sexual pleasure through humiliation: sexual gratification achieved through humiliation and physical and verbal abuse

psychological disorder: the psychological disorder in which somebody needs to be emotionally or physically abused in order to be sexually satisfied

search for abusive sexual partners: the active seeking out of sexual partners who will dominate, humiliate, and physically and verbally abuse


I got away. From the nightmares I used to call my own. They tried to control me. To get me to submit to their wrath as each day passed. But I never let them. Or I attempted not to but every time I closed my eyes, I could see them. Eyes. All different colors as they stared back at me. Brown. Black. Green. Blue. Some were even so dark, they appeared purple. But they all held one thing in common; hatred. Pure. Raw. Evil.

I got away. I had to keep reminding myself of that whenever I woke up. As each day passed, you would think I would become stronger. One with myself. But I wasn’t. I was stuck. In time. In a place where I didn’t belong. I didn’t fit. Something was missing.

“Mae, table two’s up,” Cello called out, placing a dish holding steaming food on top of the counter. “Stop daydreaming, girl.” He smiled at me, whistling while he stirred the large pot of his homemade stew.

“Only thing I’m dreaming about is you, Cello,” I teased, taking a deep breath to calm my racing heart.

He laughed, shaking his bald head and danced around the kitchen of the small diner I worked in.

Every time I was left alone, my thoughts always traveled back to my past. My history. My crappy childhood. Those eyes, laughing and staring at me while they all took what they wanted from me.

“Baby, you got this. Fight them off. It’s the only way you’ll survive.” My daddy had said those words so long ago, they were almost a whisper of a dream.


I jumped, the food on the plate almost toppling over the side at my abrupt movement. The bark of my name sent shivers down my back but I fought the urge to run. “Yes?” I responded to one of the new customers. He liked to make a daily appearance in the morning, greeting me and the rest of the staff with a warm friendly smile.

Duncan Hastings had deep brown hair, hungry green eyes and a bloodthirsty smile that made my demons look like puppies. The guy was harmless but his dominating demeanor made me nervous. Apparently, being out on parole lowered his people skills.

“I’m sorry for scaring you again.”

“No,” I clutched my chest. “It’s okay. I wasn’t paying attention.”

He smiled, clearing his throat. “I was going to ask you where my order was but I see it in your hand.”

“Here you go, Duncan,” I said, breathing through the racing of my heart.

He nodded once, thanking me. “So how are you doing?”

“I’m not too bad,” I answered, enjoying the brief small talk.

“Good good.” He lowered his fork, staring up at me intently. “If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

“I’m sorry.” I frowned. “I’m not quite sure what you mean.”

“Anything,” he insisted. “Promise me.”


He nodded again and slowly ate his food.

Wiping my hands down the front of my apron, I let out a heavy sigh when I headed behind the counter. Not quite sure what that was about, I couldn’t help but keep looking back at Duncan to see if he gave me a wink or a laugh. Maybe he was kidding. Maybe he wanted to get under my skin to see how I would react.

“Mae, you need to stop being so nervous.” Dominika Franko, my best friend and roommate, stood beside me.

I jumped, spinning on my heel.

Her eyes softened. “Sorry, babe.”

“No problem.” I gazed back at Duncan to find him staring in my direction. He gave me a small wave.

“Mae.” Nika nudged me gently.

I didn’t have to look at her to know she was frowning. Whenever she was upset with me or concerned, she switched into our native tongue and started going off on me in Czech. Her tone was clipped and to the point but I ignored her as