Almost Perfect - By James Goss

FIVE RARE TIMES THAT IANTO

JONES SWEARS*

1. The woman is looking at her burning hands. And she’s screaming. And Ianto sees what she sees.

2. It’s like being inside a giant washing machine. The back of the ferry is wide open and water is pouring in. And the water’s cold and filthy and the loading bay is turning, and Ianto is suddenly looking at a lorry. One of them is upside down. And then suddenly, it doesn’t matter.

3. The man is sat at a table in the restaurant. It’s got a lovely view of Cardiff Bay. The food is laid out before him. The champagne is fizzing in the glass. He sits there, immaculately dressed. He is a skeleton.

4. Ianto thought he wouldn’t see anything more disturbing at the club. But then – who paints their walls the colour of blood? And then he leans against it and realises the wall is breathing.

5. It’s Monday morning. The alarm goes off. Ianto wanders into the bathroom, switches on the light and…

* in no particular order

RHYS IS SUNDAY SHOPPING

WITH THE MISSUS

Rhys was delighted. ‘Look, Gwen, I’ve found you an alien!’

Gwen looked up from a crap jewellery stand. Towering over them was a street performer, covered in metal plate and body armour. Silver tendrils spilled out of the top of his head. ‘Yes, love,’ she said. ‘If only it was that easy.’

A crowd was watching the alien, who must have been almost three metres tall. There was a grim nobility about the performance – a stern refusal to move or even acknowledge the shoppers. The alien had a pitch on Queen Street, just away from a man singing into a traffic cone, a cluster of mobile phone shops and some students handing out free samples of a new cereal bar.

A man rolled up next to the alien and opened up his stall of ties, watches and sunglasses. The crowd’s attention wandered slightly. Ever professional, the alien shifted its weight subtly, a mass of heaving tendrils drifting across from behind its head. A small child shrieked, which aroused some ‘oohs’.

Rhys was entranced. Gwen giggled. ‘What are you like?’

Rhys shrugged. ‘Well, yeah – but he’s very good isn’t he? Way better than the Chaplin that used to be here. I know he’s made those flappy things out of an old mop, but he’s done it well, hasn’t he?’

‘Suppose,’ Gwen’s eye was caught by one of the suited children working at a mobile shop. He was edging closer with leaflets and a smile. She shuddered and started to steer Rhys away by the elbow.

‘Funny, isn’t it?’ said Rhys, not quite moving with her. This was the start of a little routine with him, as ritual as the way he licked his knife after buttering toast. ‘If he were a real alien, we’d all run screaming. But here he is, and we’re all… you know… interested… but a bit bored. Not scared.’

‘Yeah yeah – it’s an integration scheme run by the Tourist Board. Now let’s go stretch a pound.’

Rhys finally moved away. And as they went, Gwen glanced back at the alien.

It winked.

1. STATUS UPDATES

EMMA WEBSTER IS…

Emma Webster is still looking for love.

Emma Webster is watching Desperate Housewives (again!!!!)

Emma Webster is looking forward to Friday.

Emma Webster is going out again!!!

Emma Webster is recovering.

Emma Webster is hating Monday.

Emma Webster is fancying the new boy.

Emma Webster is flirting.

Emma Webster is getting somewhere.

Emma Webster is going for a drink with the new boy!

Emma Webster isn’t the type to kiss and tell.

Emma Webster is going for a long walk in the sunshine.

Emma Webster is all excited.

Emma Webster is seeing him again.

Emma Webster is unable to remember what the film was about.

Emma Webster is going out for a drink with the girls.

Emma Webster is buying a little black dress.

Emma Webster isn’t sure what happened there.

Emma Webster is forgetting about the diet.

Emma Webster is avoiding him.

Emma Webster is grateful for the calls.

Emma Webster is not going to text him.

Emma Webster is thinking of getting a cat.

Emma Webster is staying in.

Emma Webster is home to the folks.

Emma Webster is bored out of her mind.

Emma Webster is sick of ‘why can’t you settle down like your sister?’

Emma Webster isn’t afraid of the big three-oh.

Emma Webster is making a change.

EMMA WEBSTER HAS A PLAN

FOR A BRAND NEW ME

Emma was out jogging. Like most new plans in Emma’s life it had required shopping. Shopping for lovely trainers, a nice sports bra and the dinkiest music player on the market. In pink, of course. She’d set off late, but managed to