Alice Brown's Lessons in the Curious Art of Dating Page 0,3

Lou was that Kate wasn’t. Kate admired Lou’s promiscuity. She wished she could be more free and easy, but it just wasn’t in her DNA. She fantasized about having reckless one-night stands in the way that Lou so regularly did. She thrilled at the idea of having sex with a stranger in an alley. But she just wasn’t that kind of girl. She was more of a TV, pajamas and early night kind of girl. And the pajamas had to be Egyptian cotton and ironed with a crease down the front.

Suddenly she realized Lou was talking.

“For God’s sake, Kate, wake up!” Lou barked as she multi-tasked drinking, applying sparkly black eyeshadow and simultaneously eyeing up the barman. “You need to stop messing around and get out there. Stop worrying about everything. You’re way too young to be thinking about babies. You should be thinking about getting out of the office more. Having fun! Getting laid!”

Lou put down her makeup and looked at Kate seriously. “I mean, Jesus, Kate, how long is it since your last shag?”

Kate choked in embarrassment.

“Use it or lose it!” Lou drained her glass and started packing away her armory of makeup.

“You know what . . . you’re right,” Kate agreed suddenly. “Which is why I wanted to go to the talk tonight.”

“What, that pathetic excuse for dating advice?”

“It wasn’t all bad . . .”

“You’re joking!” Lou gawped in shock. “It was the biggest pile of shit I’ve ever heard! Honestly, what was that madwoman on about? Do you think she’s ever had a date in her life? And has she not heard of conditioner? I’ve seen better-hydrated pubes.” She poured them both another glass of wine. “And hey; what was with you with the orange juice and the notes? You’re such a nerd!”

Kate colored. “I didn’t want to forget anything.”

“It was a crappy talk, not an exam!” Lou was momentarily distracted by a bottom zigzagging back from the bar, its very drunk owner slopping his pint as he went. The bottom found its friends and sat down. Lou’s eyes returned to Kate. “And really, Kate, you’ve got to promise you won’t do any of the things she recommended. Her advice was ridiculous. If you do what she says then you’ve probably already had the last shag of your life. She was a living, breathing handbook on what not to do to get a man.”

“Says the woman who hasn’t had a boyfriend in living memory,” Kate mumbled.

Lou’s face darkened.

“Listen.” She leaned forward, jabbing a finger at Kate. “If you want to stay single and childless and let your ovaries moss over, just like the Daily Post says they will, then go ahead and do what that demented woman said. It’s like taking the fast track to spinsterdom. I mean, what was that rubbish about ‘accidentally’ dropping your groceries into a man’s shopping trolley? Please! I can’t see anyone rushing to ask you out after you’ve dropped wine and Tampax on his veg.”

“I get my groceries delivered,” Kate said thoughtfully. “The only opportunity there’s the delivery man, and he’s missing teeth.”

“Not to worry—there was always Audrey’s brilliant suggestion of joining a club! What was it? Ah, that’s right . . . Join a toastmaster’s association. Fuck me, what a truly fantastic idea! I’m always hearing about young, attractive, thrusting man-about-town toastmasters. I bet their clubhouse is awash with sexed-up man-totty.”

“You’re right; her advice was . . . questionable . . .” Kate paused as Lou snorted explosively. “But that Alice lady was great. And the fact remains: we’re single and we’re knocking on a bit. And, as you so delicately pointed out, I’m hardly swamped with offers.”

“Swamped by your job, more like.”

“All I’m saying is, whether Audrey Cracknell is right or wrong, we’re single. We’re always single. I know you say you like it, but I don’t. I’m sick of it. I don’t want to suddenly wake up and realize it’s too late. I want a man”—she saw Lou’s eyes mentally undressing the barman—“. . . a nice man! Someone who isn’t frightened of growing up and getting off the shagging-about merry-go-round. I want a boyfriend to take me out for dinner, to go for country walks with. Someone who’s not going to be freaked out at the thought of meeting my mom. Someone to have kids with. But he’s not going to land in my lap and I can’t just leave it to chance. You know me; I don’t like taking risks, and I can’t risk getting