know, it’s funny that you should say that, because I do feel calm. I feel very calm.’
‘That worries me greatly.’
‘Oh, Roland, there’s no need to worry, no need at all. It makes a pleasant change for me, this feeling of serenity. I had almost forgotten what it was like! In fact I don’t think I have felt like this since I was a child. That was a lovely time in my life, when I had absolutely nothing to worry about and I was very much loved. I had a wonderful childhood, a wonderful life. I wasn’t always this way, you know.’
‘What way?’
‘Oh, you know… afraid, edgy, contained. I was quite determined. Never racy or wild, but I had a quiet belief that I could set the world alight, blaze trails. I thought I would achieve so many things. My parents always told me that the only limit to my achievements was my imagination and I believed them. They are both gone now, and I don’t think about them too much.’
‘Why not?’
She exhaled deeply.
‘To tell you the truth, Roland, I have always thought that the dead might watch over us in some way, even have the capacity to protect us. If my parents have been watching over me, then I am ashamed for all that they have had to witness, mortified by what I have become. On the other hand, if they were able to protect me from their viewing gallery on high, why didn’t they? I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve asked for help, prayed for help, all to no avail. So I tend not to bother. It’s far too confusing and that’s one thing that I haven’t needed any more of – confusion.’
‘If you did it, Kathryn, then it begs the question, why? Why did you do it?’
With the small smile of one uncertain of where to begin, yet aware that she had to, Kathryn slowly formed her response.
‘It’s quite simple, really. I did it so that I could tell my story, unafraid.’
‘Your story?’ Roland was baffled.
‘Yes, Roland. I needed to tell my story to my children, to our family, our friends, even our community, without fear.’
‘Fear of what exactly?’
He had been listening to her for a while now, yet was still no nearer to understanding.
A small laugh escaped her lips. At the same time an unbidden tear rolled down her face.
‘Oh, Roland, I don’t know where to begin! Fear of pain, death, but most importantly fear that I would disappear inside myself and never resurface. I don’t know where I have gone, you see. I don’t know where the person that used to be me is any more. It’s as if I have become nothing, like I have been living outside society even though I am within it. My life has felt so inconsequential, as if it doesn’t matter what happens to me. I have become invisible. Very often I speak but no one hears me. Earlier today something happened that changed me, Roland. I can’t say that it was a big, momentous or even a particularly memorable thing, but something happened and I knew that I had had enough. It was time, it was my time.’
He contemplated her words and decided not to ask just yet what that ‘something’ was that had changed her.
‘You need to consider what you are saying, Kathryn. I want you to think very, very carefully about what you say and who you say it to. Your words and actions from now on can dramatically affect how things turn out for you. Every scrap of information that leaves your mouth will be recorded and will affect your future.’
Again the small laugh.
‘Oh my goodness. My future? That’s another funny thing: the fact is I don’t have to think about anything very carefully now. I’ve already thought about it. I’ve had years to think about it.’
Roland paused and weighed up the options, trying to decide on the best course of action. His eyes widened suddenly. There was one possible way out for the headmaster’s wife.
‘I think it would be a good idea for you to see a doctor, Kathryn. For your own good.’
‘Ah, yes! A psychiatrist, I assume? That would be fine. You will see that I am very good at acting on suggestions, agreeing with statements and following orders. In fact, I can’t tell the difference between them any more! But I should warn you that after careful assessment and diagnosis, he or she will write you a long-winded, expensive report