swallowed a large mouthful of water, choked and gasped for breath. My goggles filled up with water. I shot an angry and waterlogged glance around me and grabbed for the edge of the pool.
A face appeared. “You okay?”
I pulled off my goggles and hauled myself up onto the edge. “It’s supposed to be lengths,” I said, making no attempt to mask my irritation. “Two till four.”
“Sorry love,” said the lifeguard. “Not in school holidays. Different timetable.”
“So where’s that advertised? How is anyone supposed to know that?” I was simultaneously angry and ashamed at the tone of my voice. I seemed to have been speaking like this to people a lot lately. I pulled the elastic back on the strap of my goggles. They pinged out of my hands and landed at the lifeguard’s feet.
“There’s a new timetable in reception.” The lifeguard bent down beside me and, seated on his haunches, picked up my goggles and began adjusting the strap. I watched him with a confusing combination of irritation and gratitude. I knew how to fix my own goggles, for Christ’s sake. But then, despite what Larsen thought, I didn’t always enjoy doing everything myself. I just never seemed to have had much choice.
“There you go,” said the lifeguard, rubbing at the plastic lenses with his t-shirt, and handing my goggles back to me.
“Thanks.” I looked at him more closely. He was tall, well over six feet, with thick sandy-coloured hair, hazel eyes and, I noticed, eyebrows that met slightly in the middle. “Never trust anyone whose eyebrows meet in the middle,” Larsen had told me once. I had forgotten to ask him why. I smiled involuntarily at this thought, and the lifeguard smiled back. His eyes met mine and I turned away, embarrassed.
“So, do you come here often?” he asked. I looked back at him, incredulously. Was he really trying to chat me up? “I just mean… you’re a strong swimmer,” he added. “Your technique’s good. I was wondering if you had ever competed?”
“I used to,” I said. “County level. The ASA. It was a while ago.”
“You should give it another go.”
“I don’t know. I haven’t got time for that amount of training.”
“Well if you change your mind… I do a bit of coaching. I’ve got time for a few private lessons, if you’re interested?” There was something suggestive in the way that he said this and he backed it up with a raising of his eyebrows and a smile.
“I’ll think about it. Anyway… must get on,” I muttered, embarrassed at his attentions and feeling disloyal to Larsen. I stood up to dive back in but became suddenly very conscious of the slippery tightness of my Speedo, which was more than a little chlorine-worn round the chest area. I had been meaning to buy a new one. I lowered myself back down again and glanced back over my shoulder. The lifeguard was still smiling at me.
“Hey,” he said. “What’s your name?”
“Lizzie.”
“See you again, Lizzie?”
I nodded without meaning to. “Maybe,” I added, then turned and plunged awkwardly into the water.
At precisely twenty-nine lengths I went through the pain barrier, the lifeguard was forgotten, and the kids went home for tea. As my body grew lighter and my strokes became effortless and even, my thoughts drifted back to Larsen. The ephemeral nature of everything scared me. Why did nothing last? I couldn’t bear the thought of failure, of losing him, of giving up. And yet I wasn’t happy. I just didn’t know why. Was it me? Was I congenitally dissatisfied? And if so, what did it matter whether I was with Larsen or… or that lifeguard, for instance? How could I be sure that I would not arrive back here again in another seven years’ time, in this fog of unhappiness, the pain of yet another break-up looming up ahead in the distance? This is what scared me the most: how could I be sure that I would ever be happy again?
I showered and dressed. In the foyer, I spotted the lifeguard, still in his shorts and flip flops, leaning with one leg up against a wall and chatting with a young woman in a pink neon leotard and Spandex tights, who had clearly just come out of the dance studio. She had long blonde hair and, I noticed, an exceptionally tiny waist. I watched as he appeared about to place one hand on her arm, but then he looked up and saw me and took his hand quickly away. He smiled