The truth is, none of us need the money we might make from this deal. I inherited twenty-two million dollars from my father, Willie received ten million dollars from a civil suit which we brought after his release, and I split up the million-dollar commission from that suit among everybody else. That “everybody else” consists of my associate, Kevin Randall, my secretary, Edna, and Laurie Collins, who functions in the dual role of private investigator and love of my life.
I would be far more enthusiastic about this trip if Laurie were here, but she decided to fly back to Findlay, Wisconsin, for her fifteenth high school reunion. When I warily mentioned that it would also be a chance for her to see her old boyfriends, she smiled and said, “We’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”
“I’ll be spending all my time in LA with nubile young actresses,” I countered. “Sex-starved, lawyer-loving, nubile young actresses. The town is full of them.” I said this in a pathetic and futile attempt to get her to change her mind and come out here with me. Instead, she said, “You do that.” I didn’t bother countering with, “I will,” since we both know I won’t.
So it’s just Willie and me that the driver drops off at the Beverly Regent Wilshire Hotel. It’s a nice enough place, but based on the nightly rate, the fairly average rooms must have buried treasure in the mattresses. But again, the studio is paying, which is one reason the first thing I do is have a fourteen-dollar can of mixed nuts from the minibar.
Since Willie’s release from prison brought him some measure of fame, his life has taken some other dramatic turns. In addition to becoming wealthy, he’s gotten married, partnered with me in a dog rescue operation, and become part of the very exclusive New York social scene. He and wife Sondra are out every night with what used to be known as the in crowd, though I am so far “out” that I’m not sure what they’re called anymore. He is constantly and unintentionally name-dropping friends in the sports, entertainment, and art worlds, though he comically often has no idea that anyone else has heard of them.
Willie’s social reach apparently extends across the country, because he invites me to go “clubbing” tonight with him and a number of his friends. I would rather be clubbed over the head, so I decline and make plans to order room service and watch a baseball game.
First I call Laurie at her hotel in Findlay, but she’s out. I hope she’s in the process of marveling at how fat and bald all her old boyfriends have gotten. Next I call Kevin Randall, who is watching Tara for me while I’m gone.
Golden retrievers are the greatest living things on this planet, and Tara is the greatest of all golden retrievers, so that makes her fairly special. I hate leaving her, even for a day, but there was no way I was going to put her in a crate in the bottom of a hot airplane.
“Hello?” Kevin answers, his voice raspy.
I put him through about three or four minutes of swearing to me that Tara is doing well, and then I ask him how he’s feeling, since his voice maintains that raspy sound. I ask this reluctantly, since Kevin is America’s foremost hypochondriac. “I’m okay,” he says.
I’d love to leave it at that, but it would ruin his night. “You sure?” I ask.
“Well…,” he starts hesitantly, “do you know if humans can catch diseases from dogs?”
“Why? Is Tara sick?”
“I told you she was fine,” he says. “We’re talking about me now. I seem to have developed a cough.” He throws in a couple of hacking noises, just in case I didn’t know what he meant by “cough.”
“That definitely sounds like kennel cough,” I say. “You should curl up and sleep next to a warm oven tonight. And don’t have more than a cup of kibble for dinner.”
Kevin, who is no dummy, shrewdly figures out that I am going to continue to make fun of him if he pursues this, so he lets me extricate myself from the call. Once I do so, I have dinner and lie down to watch the Dodgers play the Padres. I’m not terribly interested in it, which is why I’m asleep by the third inning.
I wake up at seven and order room service. I get the Assorted Fresh Berries for twenty-one fifty; for that price I