Learn Me Gooder - By John Pearson Page 0,3

team was asked to choose someone, a vigorous game of rock-paper-scissors ensued, and my strategy of “always go paper” did not serve me well.

But at any rate, even with all of the new kids coming to me, I can be thankful that one holy terror was already firmly planted in another third grade class. His name is Roy’al, which is ironic, because he is a “royal” pain in the buttocks.

This kid has already been sent to Alternative School THREE TIMES!! Once as a first grader and twice as a second grader. Naturally, if he hopes to follow the established mathematical pattern, he’s got to step it up in order to visit “baby jail” three times this year as a third grader. And he’s already well on his way.

We are only midway through the first week of school, and Roy’al has already been suspended for the rest of the week.

You may be wondering, what could he possibly have done to warrant a suspension this soon?

Chewing gum in class?

Nah, too mundane.

Playing in the bathroom?

Not adventurous enough.

Running down the hall, wearing a cape and underwear outside his pants, screaming, “Look at me! I’m Master of the Marble Men!” while sprinkling fresh-grated parmesan everywhere?

Of course not – nobody does that!

No, Roy’al decided to cuss at a little girl in his class and then punch her in the stomach. Or maybe he punched her first and then dropped the F-bomb. Either way, it was two wrongs, which never make a right. However, two wrongs CAN lead to a suspension.

I feel bad for Mrs. Fitzgerald and Mrs. Frisch, who will have to deal with this kid all year. Still, I will gladly take an overload of students and push the boundaries of maximum kiddage rather than have Roy’al in my class. After all, if our skeleton project today is any indication, I already have enough kids trying to put their heads up their rear ends.

Later,

Pat Tella

Date: Friday, August 28, 2009

To: Fred Bommerson

From: Jack Woodson

Subject: Safety is job five

Hey Fred,

Wow, what a first week of school! They still haven’t fixed the air conditioning in our wing, and I saw the classroom thermometer as high as 85° today after recess. The sweltering heat makes it nearly unbearable, but I guess I’ve never fully appreciated the HVAC’s secondary function, which is to carry away undesirable odors. Without a working A/C, the classroom is RIPE with sweaty B.O. after recess!

To answer your question, yes, it’s a huge difference between classes now because of the numbers. After my homeroom 21 (yep, got a new one) leave at 10:30 and Mrs. Bird’s 14 come in, it feels like there are miles between populated desks. Of course you’re right, it makes sense to move a few kids over to 3B and even out my classes, but we can’t do that just yet. Every year we level things out after the first six weeks. By then, the numbers may very well have evened out a bit. At the very least, the kids should have a better grasp of their bone system by then.

Speaking of which, now you’ve got that song “Bad to the Bone” stuck in my head. Thanks a lot. Expect an a cappella version of “MMMBop” on your voicemail real soon.

No skeleton puzzles in class today; instead, my kids made science safety posters. Each group of two or three students had chosen a slogan such as “Always cover your clothes with an apron,” or “Always wash your hands after an experiment.” The posters were not exactly OSHA-quality, but they definitely provided some grins and giggles (griggles).

The early morning group who had chosen “Be careful around sharp objects” drew some very colorful pictures of kids having their eyes stabbed out, their hands cut off, and their backs punctured with forks.

Clear message? Check.

Another group, who had “Always wear safety goggles,” drew a tiny figure with goggles atop an erupting volcano. If only the poor citizens of Pompeii had worn safety goggles.

I found myself almost wishing that the old lady from the district office would stop by again, like she did my first year, to proclaim, “I think safety goggles are SEXY!”

In the afternoon class, a couple of girls had written a very confusing slogan on their poster – “Mittens with hands always wear bad.” They had drawn an equally confusing picture that seemed to show chemicals dripping on someone’s hands, causing bloody stigmata to bloom.

Before you ask, these girls are NOT from Japan, so we can safely assume they had nothing to do with