to say the least, but Stella is all that matters right now. She has to be.
So much has happened since December that I find it hard to process some days. I definitely haven’t been able to make sense of it all, and that’s why I haven’t talked to anyone about it.
Truthfully, part of me just wanted to live in my Stella bubble for a while before it popped. After Lily’s visit, I’d say it definitely burst.
If Lily hadn’t surprised me with a visit today, I might have gradually broken the news to my family, but that ship has sailed. I have only hours before my mom hears about the engagement, and I’d rather she heard it from me. I don’t have time to decide if suddenly dropping the news on my family is the right manner in which to tell them. It is the only option on the table at this point.
I’ve spent the last six months mourning Lily and the loss of what we were.
I’ve been trying to figure out who I want to be in this life, who I am when I’m not following orders from people who do not have my best interests at heart. I’m finally starting to understand.
I’ve also spent the time since December falling in love with Stella.
I needed to do all of this away from Lily and away from my home. But now, it is time to let my family in.
Lily’s impromptu visit wasn’t how I’d envisioned telling her, but I guess there really isn’t ever a good way to break someone’s heart.
“Let’s go visit my parents today,” I say.
Stella’s eyes go wide. “Today?”
I grin. “Why not? It’s already been a hell of a day as it is. Let’s be crazy.”
She beams. “Why not? You only live once, right?”
I hesitate. “Right.”
My grin fades as I stare into her hazel eyes. They appear browner in this light, mirroring her chestnut hair. I take her mouth against mine and kiss her hard, reminding myself of the reason for all my recent choices.
I pull away before returning for a quick peck. “Okay, no more kissing. We have to go.”
I lift her off of my lap, and she stands in front of me.
I rise to meet her. “Let me just call Mom real quick and let her know I’m coming home for dinner and bringing a date.” I wink at Stella.
“Oh my gosh, this is happening!” she shrieks, bouncing with an innocent giddiness. “Let me go get changed.”
“You don’t need to change. You look beautiful.”
“Thank you.” She stands on her toes to give me a chaste kiss. “But I’m officially meeting my future in-laws. I’m not wearing this.” She motions to her sexy-as-hell outfit, skinny jeans and a T-shirt that falls off of one shoulder.
“Okay, but don’t fuss too much. You’d look stunning in a paper bag.”
She playfully slaps my chest. “You’re funny.” She shakes her head before skipping out of the room.
I exhale and drag my fingers through my hair. My family is going to flip when they hear that not only have I moved on from Lily, but I’ve also gotten engaged. The fact that I have a new job with my fiancée’s father and have purchased a new house—all without informing them—will just be icing on this very messed up cake.
How in the hell did I get here?
How is it possible to feel so much despair and an equal amount of contentment at the same time?
I’m on a perpetual teeter-totter of emotions—sadness versus joy, heartbreak against hope, loss fighting love—and all of it is struggling to remain on top. Each morning when I awake, I never know what the day—or hour, for that matter—is going to bring to my heart.
I still can’t wrap my mind around how I came to this point in my life, and more importantly, how quickly it all changed. One day, everything was going as planned, and the next, I blinked and ended up here.
Regardless, the one thing I can’t do is regret any of it. Every choice I made has somehow aided in leading me here.
My here is Stella, and I will never take any of the time I spend with her for granted.
Past—August Before Junior Year
The walk from Lily’s house to the old oak tree that stands amid a field of tall grass and wildflowers takes only a few minutes. There is a worn path through the grass where Lily and I have walked hundreds of times.
The soft grass under my feet mutes my footsteps, allowing me a