I have spent hours in therapy, being analyzed by shrinks. They try to help me quit having nightmares and severe panic attacks, but they never end. All the doctors look at me with their wire-rimmed glasses perched on the ends of their noses and examine me. They all ask the same questions; I should know I have seen five different shrinks. I think wearing wire-rimmed glasses is like a requirement in the psychology field, at least around here. They must hand them out when they get their degrees.
I now take three antidepressants a day. They are for the continuous suicidal thoughts that haunt me like ghosts on a mission to see me self-destruct. My parents and Grandma watch me as if I am a time bomb ready to explode at any given moment. I cannot find one thing about my old self in me now. I don’t like who I have become. It’s like the real me got lost somewhere that horrible night and she doesn’t seem to have any plans to return. I think the “real” me died the night Todd attacked me.
I can remember it like it was yesterday. All of the girls from my sorority house had been invited to a party at the football players frat house Delta Kappa Phi. It was the usual “keg” party of course. I didn’t drink but I went anyway. My friends and Todd begged me to go. I didn’t see the harm in it at that time, big mistake on my part. Beth and Kara, my two best friends, had come up to my room before the party.
We all got ready together it was sort of a ritual of ours since middle school. We were having a great time trying on clothes and talking, just typical girl stuff. Todd had been bugging me to go over to the party with him. I told him I was walking over with Beth and Kara, and for some reason that made him really mad. I had been watching him lately; his temper was bad all the time. I told Beth I thought he was getting into drugs and she agreed. Kara’s boyfriend David had told her the football coaches were watching him for possible steroid use.
The party was in full swing when we got there, music blaring, kids were running everywhere, it was totally wild. Todd was really pushy all night; he wouldn’t let me out of his sight. I remembered telling Beth he was getting to be a pain in the butt, when I snuck off to the bathroom and ran into her in the hallway. Todd was also trying really hard to get me to drink which I refused. I’d asked him to get me a Coke after telling him I did not want a beer for like the hundredth time.
I was in shock when he took off finally to find me a Coke without nagging me to have a beer again. I remember how sweet the Coke tasted, much more so than it should, but I was so thirsty I didn’t think about it much. I sat down on the steps going upstairs as my head started spinning. I felt like I was going to throw up. Todd pulled me to my feet; he swore I needed fresh air.
I could hardly hold my head up as he took me outside. I remember how cool the night air was, it gave me chills. I tried to take a deep breath so I wouldn’t throw up but my stomach just churned. I wanted to curl up somewhere and sleep or maybe even die, since I felt so bad. I wanted to call Beth and tell her I needed to leave but I had left my cell phone in my purse somewhere inside the frat house.
Todd told me I needed to sit down and by chance, (not) he had a blanket outside behind the gazebo, far from the party. I felt too sick to see he had this planned out. I stumbled as he led me to the back yard. My hearing was getting muffled and I wondered if I had food poisoning, I was close on that thought I found out later. Todd seemed way too helpful as we finally reached the blanket.
The words he spoke were etched into my mind from that night, and they filled my head as a flash back hit me full force. I curled up on the couch and buried my