We ended up on the floor of the kitchen, simply sitting in a row with our backs to the kitchen island. He still hadnt said what else was wrong, or thaTHE was desperately in love with Perdy and how could he fix it? I kept waiting for him to share. If hed been a girl friend Id have asked by now, but guy friends are different. Sometimes you have to sneak up on them like some sort of wild animal, no wereanimal pun intended; all men are leery of their emotions, spook them and theyll shut down. If youre careful, quiet, not too eager, sometimes youll learn more. Of course, sometimes you have to club men over the head with some question to get any sense out of them, but they prefer to speak from a quiet place.
Jason had his head against Nathaniels shoulder, and a hand on my leg. At least he, like most of the men in my life, was cuddlier than most. I appreciated that.
Jasons voice came flat, empty, as if he were afraid to let his voice feel anything. My fathers dying of cancer. My mom called last night just after Perdy and I broke up.
I exchanged a glance with Nathaniel. His wide eyes let me know that it was news to him, too.
Jesus, Jason, Im sorry, I said.
We hate each other, of course, and now the cold bastards dying and I wont have time to forgive him before he dies.
What can we do? Nathaniel asked, softly.
He smiled, a little weak, a little watered down, buTHE managed it. I thought it was a good sign. I hoped it was. You really want to know?
Name it, I said.
He smiled again, but his eyes flinched, as if Id hit him instead of told him Id do anything he wanted if it would take the pain away.
Perdy isnt here to tell me dont, or to tell you dont. Im a free man again. He tried for a laugh, but it was a sound more like a sob.
I get it, Nathaniel said.
I frowned at him. Then explain it to me, because I dont.
He wants to have sex with you again.
What? I said.
Perdy cant tell him, or you, no anymore. You can be lovers again.
You mean now, like in right now?
Nathaniel gave a half-shrug. Jason moved his head off the other mans shoulder. He dropped his hand away from my leg.
Its okay, Anita, Ive fucked this up. I know this isnt the way to approach you. But my head is so ugly tonight; I just cant seem to think clearly.
He pushed to his feet and started for the doorway.
I opened my mouth to say dont go, and yes. I closed it without saying any of it out loud, and looked at Nathaniel. I frowned at him. He was more than just my sweetie. The ardeur made me a sort of living vampire who fed off sex, but with the downsides came some interesting upsides. Nathaniel was my animal to call, which meanTHE was like my familiar. We shared emotions, power, and sometimes thoughts. Youre projecting inside my head, arent you?
You can shut me out if you want, he said.
Jason hesitated just short of the doorway. He frowned at us both. Im missing something.
I looked into the face of a man that I loved. Is this really what you want?
Hes my friend.
You know, most guys dont want their girlfriends to sleep with their friends.
If youd never slept with Jason, that would be different, but you have. Why is it wrong to sleep with him tonight?
I opened my mouth to say something reasonable, then closed it, because for the life of me, I couldnt come up with a clearheaded answer. Why was it wrong to sleep with Jason tonight? Because I hadnt planned on it? Because it felt slutty? Were any of those reasons good reasons?
Jason stopped in the doorway, caught between the light of the kitchen and the darkness of the living room beyond. Ive made you feel sorry for me. Im not sure I want that to be your motivation for taking me to bed.
Once upon a time, you wouldnt have cared why you got to sleep with me.
I was a slut, I know.
I didnt mean that, Jason.
Stay here tonight, Nathaniel said.
He half-turned so he could see us, but his face was still mostly in shadow. Why? Why do you want me to stay?
I shrugged at Nathaniel, with a this-was-your-idea expression.
Because youre our friend. Because we care about you.